every time you close your eyes

Last night I was thinking a lot about the lies that I sometimes believe about myself and about my life. I tried to write down all the ones I could think of, just so I could have them in writing and sort of demystify them. I feel like we all have these things that we've come to sort of believe about ourselves, whether it's due to events that have happened in our lives, things people have told us, or just internal fears that manifest themselves in these lies that we believe about ourselves. Some people let these lies completely cripple them with fear, and they get to a point where it's hard to even help them see how false those lies really are. Thankfully the lies that I sometimes let myself live with are relatively minimal, and I'm trying to work towards eliminating them altogether-- if that's at all possible!

I think when we step back and really look at some of the things we've learned to believe about our lives or about ourselves, we can see how ridiculous they really are. A lot of us have taught ourselves to build up walls around these areas that make us feel scared or vulnerable, and while I think that this could prove to be a successful short term solution to the problem, when we start building walls and keep fortifying them throughout our lives, we insulate ourselves from truly living. The walls prevent us from experiencing life fully. My philosophy has always been to live full out, not letting the pain that I've experienced in the past prevent me from living fully in the present. I'm not always successful in this, but I try to keep it in my mind as I go through life. It's hard sometimes because after being put through the ringer before, your heart often goes into self-preservation mode and it doesn't want to be out in the open. It wants to have a wall build around it, to feel safe and impenetrable. This might be an alright way of allowing yourself to heal after being hurt, but letting yourself continue to live that way, I think, is a cop out. We're not here on Earth to live our lives in fear-- hiding because something, anything, might hurt us. Pain is inevitable, but I don't think it's a good reason to live your life halfway.

I think sometimes, also, these lies we believe are embarrassing. Not embarrassing in the sense of like, "I tripped in the hallway at school and spilled my latte all over myself," but embarrassing in the sense of having this thing that is ridiculous that we allow to affect us. I mean, it's kind of embarrassing to admit to someone that you sometimes think this silly thing that is totally not based on any sort of fact, and that you let it affect your mood or your emotions. I know for me, it makes me feel silly and stupid, so of course I don't want to tell people about it. But at the same time, not letting people in-- not allowing yourself to be vulnerable in that way-- keeps that lie safe in it's little stronghold. Once you expose the lie to other people, or at least someone you feel safe being vulnerable with, it loses some of its power over you.

I don't know, I just know that for me, I have issues with pride. I don't like letting people see my weaknesses and I don't like failing. I'm too proud to let others help me, too. I feel like I should be able to fix it myself. That's too much to ask of myself, though, and there are people around me who love me and want me to be vulnerable with them and let them in on the deepest parts of my heart. It's still scary though. Even if I know all this to be true in my mind, my heart still shies away and wants to hide within its walls.